Accept and Respect One Another

My husband and I were in a hurry to go to a Bible study. We jumped into the car. As soon as the car was completely out of the garage, I pushed the remote control to close the door. In the next seconds, he raised his hand to press the remote. I tapped on his hand and said, "How come you never look before you press the remote? I have already closed the door!" As we both watched the garage door came to a halt in the middle of descending, he said, "I did look, but at my angle I didn't see it (because of the rear view mirror). Why do you always jump to conclusion?"

This would have started an argument in our younger years, or on occasions when one of us had a bad-hair day. As human beings, we both want to justify what we do and say. Fortunately for us, on that day we remembered the message he recently preached on "For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live." (Romans 8:13)

A criticism is when one person tells another person he/she is not doing the right thing or not doing thing the right way. Of course, the person who tells usually does it with good intention. We add insult to injury, "I wasn't criticizing you. I just want you to improve. Why do you always have to get angry?" Deep down inside, we want to be helpful. Because we love someone, we think we are speaking the truth in love. We just forget how it may feel if we are on the receiving end of such helpful advice and suggestions, especially when they come without solicitation!

In his book, Caring Criticism – building bridges instead of walls, pastor and psychologist William J. Diehm reminds us the art of criticizing others without hurting them. Strategies such as the careful use of the words you, must, should, always, and never because "You is an attack, must is a command, should is a guilt trip, and always and never are absolutes."

Dr. Diehm also suggests better ways to receive and respond to criticism. Justified or not, thank the person anyway because he/she probably does it out of love or at least care enough to say something. Think through the suggestion and see whether there is any truth and specific improvements. If so, make the change. If not, just let it go. It may be their problems, not yours. In any case, don't harbor bitterness and resentment or they will hurt you more than the unjustified criticism itself.

In relationship workshops, I am often asked the following questions in various forms. "So why do you suppose God pair up two people who are so different in a marriage? Is God trying to punish us? Did God make a mistake?" Here is my short answer:

Based on Genesis 1:26-27 and 2:18-25, I believe that God created men and women in His own image, and He created marriage for our benefit. Because God is infinite and humans are finite, He placed some part of Him in each husband and wife. Not only is life more interesting and exciting due to our differences, we can learn something from each other, be more complete, and function better as a team. For example, how else can we learn patience unless we are with someone different? Children inherited quality from both their mom and dad. When parents model mutual acceptance and respect of the basic person, we accept our spouses' attributes in our children as well as showing them how to treat others with respect even when conflicts arise.

Because of our uniqueness, it is not uncommon that something we do may seem very strange (or even wrong) to another person. This is a fact of life for anyone living or working with someone day. With new life in Christ, we can learn to share our deepest thoughts and feelings with our spouse. As a couple, there are many times each day when we notice that our spouse does not do something the right way. In the garage door incidence, we remembered the freedom to choose between satisfying our own impulsive instinct (to accuse and defend) or respond in appreciation and kindness by the leading of the Holy Spirit.

It is not easy to accept others as our Father accepts us. But love is demonstrated when we care for one another in our nucleus-, extended-, and church family with genuine Compassion, Acceptance, Respect, and Empathy.

The Bible says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother'—which is the first commandment with a promise— 'that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth' (Ephesians 6:1-3). It also tells, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6: 4). If you have a child who is "rebellious," could it be that you have been too harsh and critical?

What if your yelling was perceived as "my parents hate me" instead of "my parents care about me"? Pray for his/her return and the healing of your broken relationships. How did the merciful father deal with his prodigal son?

As parents, we cannot isolate our children from bad things in this world. We only have 18 years or so to influence them through love, encouragement, support, and good modeling. No matter your situation now, do not lose heart. Rest assured that God is not done with us yet. We are still under construction.

Living with someone who is hard to please? Remember God loves you. Be grateful and count your blessings. As you start making positive changes yourselves, don't be surprised how God can change other people around you. I pray that your family will be blessed by His abundant grace. Happy Father's Day!

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC