Thanks for expressing concern and
well wishes regarding my heart attack scare. I completed my stress test on the
treadmill and the doctor said my heart was “very good.” However, I did catch a
cold/flu a few days ago so please pray for me. Life on earth is short. I want
to enjoy my family when I can. May the name of our Lord be praised!
Finally, our son’s family has
moved back on February 22nd. Our living quarters are separated by a common
living room and kitchen. We can share meals, conversations and activities, yet
there is privacy and space for each family. James and I can sleep and work in
our studio with minimum interruption as grandchildren play or cry “next door.”
Of course, love and flexibility helps us stay connected.
Last Sunday, I woke up before
seven. Still lying in bed, I thought, “Great! I can work on my newsletter
before going to church.” Right then, I heard quiet “knock, knock, knock” so I got
up, walked to the door, and whispered, “Who’s there?”
“It’s E.” (She said her first name)
“E who?”
“E C” (She said her first and
last name)
Opening the door, I said “Shhh.
Good morning. Yeye is still sleeping” and stepped into her world.
“Morning. Nainai, can you read
me a book?”
“Sure!” (How can I resist?)
As I sat down on the sofa, she
handed me a picture book and climbed onto my lap. I read the question at the
top of each page, then she chose one answer from the pictures and said the word
out loud. We went back and forth until her Mama came in and asked, “Did you
wake up Nainai?”
When I said, “No, I was already
awake,” the little girl smiled relief. After reading a few more pages, I said,
“Nainai will read one more page, then take a shower.” She nodded. It seemed
like a long time but I spent less than ten minutes with her. And we both felt
loved.
Every interaction between two
people is a time to communicate love and build relationship. With each positive
interaction, we feel loved. Author Gary Chapman categorizes the most common
ways of expressing and receiving love as "Five Love Languages”: Words of
Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Gifts. When
love is "spoken" using our love languages (dominant and secondary),
we "click" with the sender and feel loved. At that moment, love is deposited
into our emotional bank.
On the contrary, negative
interaction withdraws love so “feeling loved” is not a one time deal.
Unfortunately, every negative interaction may cancel out 5-7 positive
interactions. So don’t argue and defend if someone says, “You don’t love me!” Instead,
listen to their complaint (e.g. “You don’t spend any time with me” or “I can never
do anything right!”) and try a different love language. Stop doing what doesn’t
work and start doing what does work. Use different strokes for different folks
at different times!
My dominant love language is
“Quality Time” and that’s how James won my heart at Berkeley. Even though he
was a graduate student and had a part-time job, he spent plenty of time with
me: Driving me to school and back, showing me tour attractions, taking me to
restaurants, calling me, and listening to me with undivided attention! Feeling loved,
I appreciated James and told him so, thereby speaking his love language of
“Words of Affirmation.” No wonder we got married after only three months of
dating.
Sorry about digressing, but my
readers include singles and couples without kids. My point is that every person
has a need to be loved and accepted unconditionally in the “just as I am” way.
Do you think it is hard to
accept someone no matter what? Yes, of course it is. But do you remember the
phrase “Love is blind”?
I have also learned in a hard
way that feeling loved and being loved are two different things.
The day after our wedding
banquet, James started his first full-time job as an electrical engineer in the
Silicon Valley. When he spent less and less time with me, I interpreted that as
love being gone. May be I had an unrealistic expectation, but I was devastated
nevertheless. I did not know then what I know now: most men are more
task-oriented than relationship-oriented. They like working on and finishing
their projects. Once a man has a wife (and children), he assumes he can focus on
his career so to achieve and become a good provider. He also wants to have time
for his friends, hobbies and sports.
But I married James because I
like Quality time! With unrealistic expectations, I felt disappointed and hurt.
To protect myself, I ended up demanding, arguing and criticizing. I was
focusing on my needs so I did not know he wanted to be loved just the way he
was. We both missed our good old days before our honeymoon was over. When our
interactions were negative, we did not feel loved, and expected the other
person to change. Before long, we thought and acted destructively, and our
relationship went on a downward spiral with unhealthy patterns. We had no
solution until we experienced Salvation and understood God’s unconditional love
and acceptance.
“Love suffers long and is
kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does
not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does
not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1
Corinthians 13:4-8a KJV)
Now back to my granddaughter. I
attribute our emotional bond to the time we spent together. I visited her almost
once a week even though I had to drive two hours round trip. When she was 18
months old, she left for Africa with her parents, but we remained connected by
keeping almost weekly contact via Skype the next three years. When she came
back, it is like she never left.
On Chinese New Year, our son
was out-of-town attending a conference. After church, we went to his in-law’s
house to pick up his wife and kids for San Francisco. Our daughter-in-law
wanted to drive. My granddaughter climbed into her carseat in the back row of
the van. She patted the space next to her and said, “Nainai, here, come sit
with me!”
While she handed me a bunch of
plastic flowers saying “It’s for you, Nainai” with a big smile, her Mama
explained, “Yesterday she wanted to buy these flowers for you instead of
getting stickers for herself.” She made my day!
Although our two-years-old
grandson was a little fussy, he settled down when James sat next to him in the
middle row. (I guessed he liked Yeye better.) I focused on playing with our
granddaughter. Before we knew it, we were there. As James and I thanked our
daughter-in-law for driving, she thanked us for playing with her kids so that
she could enjoy driving!
In the evening, we went to a
Chinese restaurant. After getting off the van, I asked in a playful tone, “Who
wants to hold Nainai’s hands?”
As expected, our granddaughter
said “Me! Me!” But then I heard James said “Wait” so I stopped and turned
around. I was pleasantly surprised when our grandson reached out and held my
hand. AsYeye held his other hand, the four of us walked through the parking lot
holding hands. By the way, physical touch is my secondary love language.
I so treasured that walk. You
see, our grandson left the United States when he was merely one month old. I
missed him so much. When he returned 11 months later, he already weighed 25
pounds and was no longer a baby. I delighted in watching him crawl, stand, and
later climb up the four steps from our living room to the bedroom level. He could
not walk downstairs so he learned to turn around facing the steps and crawl
backward down. So cute!
Then they left again and we
watched him grow via Skype. He was active and had short attention span. I
sometimes wondered whether he even recognized us. Gradually, he uttered sounds
like “Nainai” and I was happy even though he was just repeating what his
parents or sister said. In the last few months, they prompted him to blow
kisses, say “wab-yu” (his version of “love you”), wave his hands, and say “bye
bye.”
By comparison, his big sister
was able to sit still and converse over the Internet. We even sang and played
the “Knock Knock -- Who’s there?” game. Sometimes I told her bedtime stories
while her Mama was putting little brother to bed. When I turned the page, I put
the book close to the web camera so that she could see the illustration. A few
months ago, she started to tell me stories.
I discovered many other
developments with our grandson. One afternoon, he called out, “Nainai, Nainai”
on his own as he followed me into my bedroom. Later, when his Baba moved an
empty toy box into the room, he ran to it, pushed the cover off, and climbed in
head first. I applauded and he was proud. For the next few minutes, he
alternately stretched himself out and curled up in delight. He turned his face
so that sometimes he saw me and sometimes he didn’t. I got down to the floor
and hid from his sight, peek-a-booing through openings on the sides of the
boxes. He was laughing and giggling.
Yet another time, I held his hand
when he walked four steps down from the bedroom level into the living room. I
exclaimed, “Wow! Look at you. You can walk downstairs now!” At that, he let go
of my hand, turned around, and swiftly walked up the steps by himself. Before I
knew it, he was jumping down, one step at a time. I wish you could see the confident
grin on his face!
Since they moved back into the
house, I get to see him everyday. He still prefers his Mama. However, more often
than not, whenever I start playing with his big sister, he joins us. One night,
his sister wanted to play family. After some time, she wanted to drive her kids
to school. So I set up our imaginary car with four chairs. She told us to get
in and put on our seat belts, then she started to drive. After school, she
said, “Now Nainai drive, but don’t forget your seat belt.” We took turn driving
around town. Before long, her brother caught on and wanted to drive too. So we
let him, and he really really loved driving.
There are too many stories to tell
but I have to share our newest milestones. Three days ago, I was sitting in the
living room by myself when he came to me. “Bok, bok” he said, pointed at another
book that I have read to his Big Sister.
“Do you want Nainai to read you
a book?”
He nodded, climbed up the sofa,
and sat next to me. So I read and got him involved with the story. The next
day, as I was going into my studio, he followed me on his own and stretched out
his arm. I turned around and got down to his level so he could hug me. Suddenly
he said, “NaiNai Wab-yu” and kissed me on my chin. I am so in love!
My mom died of heart failure
when she was 48. She never saw my husband and son. Life is short. I am so
grateful that I have a second chance with my family.
How about you? Are you
enjoying your family? Do you have issues with someone due to unmet expectations
or unrecognized differences? Have you tried loving and accepting them just the
way they are? I know it is not easy. Write if you want me to pray for you.
If you understand Mandarin,
please join me at BASS Church Workers Convention when I present two workshops
on Saturday, March 9th, 2013:
1. “Making Your Good Marriage
Great” in Rm N10 at 2:15 to 3:30 p.m.
2. “Parenting American-Born
Chinese” in Rm N10 at 3:45 to 5:00 p.m.
Visit https://bassconvention.org for more
information on general sessions and workshops on March 7th to 9th (Thursday to
Saturday) in Castro Valley. See you there!
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problem! Just make sure you include a complete attribution
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attribution should include this information:
Winnis
Chiang, founder of ParentingABC.com, is a relationship coach and licensed marriage &
family therapist. She specializes in helping Mandarin and Cantonese speaking high-tech
Christian parents to get along with, enjoy, equip and influence their American
born Chinese children.
