Positively Influencing Our Children

Have you ever worried about your kids? On September 27, 2006, a gunman burst into a High School in Bailey, Colorado and ordered the male students to leave the room. He held as many as six girls hostage and had released four, one at a time. After a 3-hour standoff, the man fatally shot 16-year-old Emily Keyes and then killed himself before police stormed the classroom. Bailey is a town not far from Columbine, where two students killed 12 classmates and a teacher before killing themselves in 1999. How can parents have peace of mind in a world where bad things happen?

Four days after the 911 terrorist attacks, three of us arrived our son's college early and lined up our van for the freshmen move-in service a few blocks from his dorm. Finally, we reached the front of the line. Strong college students unloaded the belongings of our teenager into a canvas container and rolled the huge container through winding pathways connecting different buildings. Before we knew it, everything was in the upstairs suite where our son would live with five other guys. With lightning speed, he set up his PC and made sure everything worked. As I was making his extra long bed, he and Dad took turn checking their e-mails. Sitting in front of his desk in his single room, he proclaimed, "This place is like a palace."

Not wasting a moment, Dad said, "It's time to go." Caught by surprise, I uttered, "Let's check out the bookstore and help him get his books." I could not believe how smooth everything went in the store. When Dad said, "let's go" again, I looked at my watch. "Hey, it's almost noon, let's have lunch together. We can stay a couple more hours." As we walked around campus, we grew quiet. Feeling sad and angry, I kept on asking myself, Why the rush? Why are they so eager to part? I remembered friends telling me how their kids would not let them leave. Imagining nobody really care about me, I was overwhelmed. Eventually, with tears welling in my eyes, I said, "I feel very sad right now" and burst out my struggles. I was much better when they listened and I felt understood.

After lunch I suggested, "Let's take some pictures on campus. Mom will be on her way in a couple of hours." We all started laughing at my delay tactic. Two hours later, Dad took our "last" picture with our almost six feet tall son wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I had tears in my eyes and a smile on my face when I came to term with myself: I am sad to depart. But I am glad to be with him for 18 years. I have no regret. It is time for him to face the world.

Parenting is a repeated process of getting our children ready and letting them go, one step at a time until one day they become mature adult. This September, whether your kids are starting preschool, kindergarten, or even college, you are releasing them to the world one-step further.

What to do when we hear terrible news such as those in Colorado and 911? Instead of clinging to our kids, focus our attention on what we can do for them and how we can influence them. You may try the popular serenity prayer: "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I find comfort in my favorite Scripture verses such as, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and "For I know the plans I have for you … plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

A recent research project called "The National Study of Youth and Religion" was conducted by Dr. Christian Smith (professor of Sociology at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill). The report provides a comprehensive picture of what teens believe and how they live out those beliefs. For parents trying to figure out how their teens will turn out, Dr. Smith offered, "we will get what we are."

My husband and I were led to Christ after struggling with how to parent our young son. We argued about who was right before his basic needs of physical and emotional safety, security, love, belonging, and respect in our home. We all have expectations and opinions so I urge you to discuss parenting issues at a higher level as mom and dad (even if you were divorced). May you find peace as you enjoy your children and influence them positively before and after they leave home. Here are some tips for your consideration:

(1) Make sure they know and feel you love them before it is too late. Caring means taking time to show compassion, acceptance, respect and empathy. Build them up with affirmation and encouragement. Enjoy one another. Have fun together.

(2) Teach and show them the way about life. Teach them to love God, self and others. Teach them to think for themselves and express feeling constructively. Give consistent instructions, set appropriate boundary, limits, and consequences.

(3) Give them more and more freedom as they become more and more responsible. Respect them and allow mistakes. Even failures could be turned into experience and parts of their learning process.

(4) Seek understanding, forgiveness and healing if relationships are broken. Examine patterns in your family. Are there any vicious cycles that hurt someone you love?

(5) Surrender your children to God. Prepare to let them go and prepare yourselves for your empty nest days.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC