Life Is a Choice

Should a mother stay home or go to work? This is a question that millions of women have asked. Have you ever felt anxious about your children? Stressed with limited time and energy? Disappointed that you couldn't do it all? Frustrated that someone or something got into your way?

When someone said to me "Your life will never be the same" twenty-four years ago I could not fully comprehend. I had been working for six years when our baby came. My husband and I were both engineering professionals in the Silicon Valley. My pregnancy went pretty smooth. I was going to take "four weeks before and six weeks after" to have a baby.

But motherhood is not that simple. With baby in my arms, I was not so sure about "going back to work" but I returned full time when he was 2 months old. Why? Because my mother told me, "You have to work!" Mom never got to see her grandson. She passed away in 1975, the year I got married. But her influence stayed with me.

Growing up in a large extended family in my grandmother's household, I learned early that our significance was in our gender, performance and approval. After my birth, my grandmother commented to my dad, "Two girls in a row. If you want a son, you have to go elsewhere." When I was one year old, my mom found out that my dad had a mistress and did just that. Mom cried, yelled, and threatened to leave. When dad did not yield, mom accepted her "fate" and stayed. When I grew older, I heard how mom decided to share her husband with another woman because of ME. She had no choice. I vowed to protect and honor her.

We are deeply affected by our original families! In her book, "A daughter's Journey Home: Finding a Way to Love, Honor, and Connect with Your Mother," author Linda Mintle pointed out that "families are the most powerful emotional system to which we belong. You can't ignore your family and hope it will go away. Your family members are like fictional ghosts, constantly haunting you if you don't deal with them. Even when you no longer live with your original family, it is with you."

I grew independent and self-sufficient, eventually leaving home for higher education in the United States. My mom's warnings stayed with me, "Study hard. Work hard. Make a good living. Don't depend on your husband." Eventually, I became a successful career woman, managing software development teams. Regretfully, I could not keep my promise to take care of mom. She died at age 48 while I was still in college.

Loving our son so much made me feel vulnerable. Being a manager of many engineering departments and projects, I was in control at work (most of the time). But our home life was different. I felt irritated easily, and my husband and I disagreed about what was important for our son. Inevitably, we got into arguments. When he rationalized things, I got mad. When I attacked and blamed, he withdrew. Our interactions became more and more negative. We were stuck in a vicious cycle!

Our turning point came in 1989 when I met my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. "I am loved unconditionally. I am worthy of the Son of God." I started to practice what I read from the Bible (e.g. submit to my husband). One by one, my husband and son were saved. My whole family life was renewed. I also loved my church. After spending years in a competitive male-dominant field, I enjoyed friendship with women young and old. I started to teach children. One thing led to another. By summer 1995, I became a "stay-at-home" mom for our twelve-year-old son. I was excited but wondered, "What would I do all day when he is at school?"

Doing unfamiliar things is not easy, especially in the beginning. For example, one day my son and I were folding clothes again when I grumbled, "This is CRAZY. I held important jobs in the corporate world, now all I do are THESE!" As I went on and on recounting my glorious days, he asked curiously, "Mom, so how long did you work?" "NINETEEN YEARS!" "How long have you stayed home?" "3 months." We laughed.

My emotions could go up and down. For instance, my husband came home from work one night and said innocently, "Hi. What have you done today?" He was completely surprised when I YELLED, "What do you mean what I had done ALL DAY?" I was defending my mom and millions of women.

Should you stay home or work outside? It depends on you, your spouse and your kids. It is a family matter! You know your situations and your needs way better than me. My advice? If you work, don't puff yourself up. If you stay home, don't look down at yourself. Whatever you do, don't get into the trap of comparison and competition. Be content with what you have! There will always be pressure on either side.

During my adjustment period at home, I often introduced myself with "Um. I don't work. I am just a housewife" (just like my mom). Good thing my husband saw it differently. The first time he heard, he put his arms around me and told our new friends, "Of course Winnis works. She does a lot. She just doesn't get paid."

Wives and mothers often crave for appreciation, although they don't say it. Many women today are well educated, have amazing ability to multi-task, and can make a good living! Recently, salary.com surveyed 40,000 mothers (who spend time performing 10 typical job function). They estimated "the financial value of 'mom jobs' would equate to an annual salary of $138,095 for a stay-at-home mom. Working moms 'at-home' salary is $85,939 in 2007; this is in addition to the salary they earn in the workplace." Survey aside, unless we believe we are worthy and loved, unless we know we have choices, there will be resentment and bitterness no matter what we do.

The first step to change is to clarify our expectations and goals. Let me illustrate setting goals that are S.M.A.R.T. to resolve a common family dinner conflict – "Nobody comes to the dinner table after I finish cooking." Here is what mom (or dad) could try (to your own taste)! I highly recommend ringing a dinner bell to signal "dinner is ready" instead of yelling it out. The bell usually saved my day.

1. Specific: Instead of yelling angrily, "You don't care! You never eat dinner with me!" express your feelings and specify the behavior that you don't want. For example: "I am tired after working a long day. I feel disappointed and hurt when you ignore my call for dinner."

2. Measurable: "When I ring the bell, come sit down within 2 minutes, 90% of the time."

3. Achievable: "How about 75% of the time?"

4. Realistic: "If 2 minutes is too rush, how about 5 minutes?"

5. Time-limited: "Let's try this for the next 3 months and re-evaluate afterwards."

You may apply the same principles to improve any area of your life. Setting goals is the only way of getting there. I set S.M.A.R.T. goals as an Marriage & Family Therapist intern. Specifically, I had to gain 3,000 hours of internship under supervision before taking the written and oral exam. Instead of worrying about the outcome, I focused on the process. Since we were given six years to accumulate the hours, I told myself all I needed was gaining 500 hours a year. Helping clients 10 hours every week was specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-limited. I evaluated my progress once a week when my supervisor signed my time.

Even if we plan, some aspects of life are out of our control. For more than a month, I had been working on this Mother's Day edition newsletter. But I got interrupted everyday with more important and more urgent matters. My frustration triggered some negative talks to myself, "I have no control of my time. I will never get to do what I want!" I had to deal with my anxiety, inadequacy and limitation. As I recounted great things the Lord has done for my family, I felt grateful being alive and doing things I love (although not always according to my schedule)! When my self-imposed deadline and pressure came off my shoulders, I could enjoy and support the people who interrupted my plan.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Twelve years ago, I put our mother-son relationship ahead of my career. That is one of the best decisions I made. I became more available to our son before he left for college. By God's grace, I had the opportunities to attend seminary, serve as a children's minister, and become a Licensed MFT. The best part is enjoying a loving and healthy relationship with our son. Believe it or not, he will soon marry a very special lady who also loves the Lord! Rearing a helpless infant into a mature adult is no easy task. Looking back, I realize how God uses motherhood to teach me how to love and to live. I have learned to make choices and be content.

If you can read Chinese, you may read how Jesus has become my best friend (i.e. my testimony) here.

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

Copyright © 2005-2007 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC, all rights reserved