How to Handle Anxiety

Early morning on Sunday November 4^th, 2007, a friend handed me a bag as James (my husband) and I were leaving our prayer meeting. “You can use this GPS in the next few weeks. Here. Just enter your address.” I did and quickly regretted, “Oops! Wrong address. That’s home. But James and I are off visiting so and so and their new baby. I can get to the hospital but I don’t know the address.” “It’s okay. You’ll learn to use the GPS. Just leave it on.”

Even before we started the car, the GPS (who has a woman’s voice) already figured out our location and loaded maps from satellites. As we approached the next intersection, she told me to turn left. Because I knew where I was going, I turned right instead. I was pleasantly surprised that she did not tell me to make a U-turn. She was smart enough to know I could get to my destination from the other freeway entrance. Sure enough! She told me to take the South bound on-ramp. After I entered into the North bound traffic, she said, “Recalculating. Continue on highway ___ north and take the next ramp exit to ______ on your right, drive ___ miles and turn left on ______.”

As I ignored instructions, she repeated that formula whenever I drove passed another exit. After playing this game for a while, I was satisfied, “Hey, the GPS really wants to get us to where we said we were going!” James chimed in, “And she does not even raise her voice.” We smiled at each other as he reached out and grasp my hand. “Good thing we knew where we were going.”

Handling Anxiety in the Face of Unknowns

It wasn’t funny but I used to be a backseat driver although I wasn’t always like that. In fact, when we were dating, I enjoyed the rides wherever he drove me around town. Before we got married (mind you we only dated for three months), we never ever raised our voice to each other. But things changed.

Backseat drivers try to control where they are going, when they themselves feel uncertain, unsafe or insecure. But anxiety is contagious and often affects people around us. Unchecked anxiety would escalate, and people would end up attacking each other or withdrawing.

I thought I had it bad when James ignored my passenger’s instructions, now I really appreciate that he never suddenly stepped on the brake and yelled, “Get OUT!” or “Now YOU drive!”

Anxiety has a lot to do with the fear of the unknown, the lack of control, and the uncertainty of the future. It is normal for us to feel anxious when we don’t know what would happen to us or to someone we love. Little kids have separation anxiety. If you think it is easy not to feel anxious about something, just ask yourself “what if it is happening to me?”

Last September, James’ left eye lost central vision. By mid October 2007 two doctors recommended a surgery called Vitrectomy to repair a “macular hole.” The surgery would involve removing the vitreous sack and replacing it with a gas bubble. By staying facedown (90% of the time 24/7) for two to three weeks, hopefully new cells would grow to fill the tiny hole naturally.

Acted quickly, James signed up for the first available date -- Tuesday, November 13. Because it would take 6-8 weeks for the gas bubble to dissolve, it might still give us a chance to leave on Christmas Day for a mission trip as planned. One week earlier, I was stressed by the thought of having to drive to two pre-op appointments and rush back to our church to give a parenting talk on Friday. I became very anxious because of the typical freeway congestion and the unfamiliar destinations. I felt better after sharing a prayer request, but I did not expect someone would loan me a GPS.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7)

Taking a Detour is Easier When You Are Not Alone

We knew the risks and discomfort ahead. We rented special system that would help keep his face down. Having the GPS eased most of my driving anxiety. The surgery went well. We went home and I was going to drive James to post-surgery check-up the next day.

That night he developed a severe headache and vomited several times. The next morning, we were stuck in freeway traffic for more than one hour. I felt his pain but there was nothing I could do, other than getting him to the doctor day after day for “eye ICUs” to take care of his extremely high eye pressure.

To avoid the freeway congestion, the GPS guided me through winding canyon roads and unfamiliar cities. The day that I was most concerned, a sister printed me an article in World Journal about vitrectomy. Then another sister referred me to talk with a brother who had that operation on both eyes. Two eye doctors gave great care to James. And friends and family supported us with prayers, e-mails, food, and flowers.

Tips for Changing Your Thinking Habits

Because of the unexpected delay, I was even more skeptical about getting onto the plane on Christmas Day. Initially we were told the gas bubble usually dissolved in 6-8 weeks, now we had such complication! Should we cancel tickets already purchased for Europe? Or should we take the risk instead of prematurely giving up the golden opportunity that we had been waiting for?

Remember that day when I tried out the GPS? Based on what I entered as my destination, it was clear that the GPS was not going to change her mind. But I had choices as a driver. Could I trust that if God wanted us to go on the mission trip, He would make it happen?” Could I support James and wait?

In the book, “Habits of the Mind – Ten Exercises to Renew Your Thinking,” Christian psychologist Dr. Archibald Hart presented ten healthy mental habits.

1. See the good in others.

2. Give yourself permission to fail.

3. Keep your conscience clear.

4. Don’t punish yourself.

5. Value life’s little blessings.

6. Accentuate the positive.

7. Be the right sort of optimist.

8. Accept yourself for who you are.

9. Stay with reality.

10. Cherish God’s love and wisdom.

Take a quick inventory and check whether you believe and think these healthy thoughts. If you are interesting in joining a support group to shape healthy mental habits, let me know.

Cherishing God's Love and Wisdom

Dr. Hart drew a wheel to represent the ten habits. At the center of the wheel is the #10 habit, which is the hub around which habit #1 to #8 revolve. The #9 habit is the outer rim where the rubber hits the road.

The timely diagnosis with first and second opinion, the available surgery schedule, the GPS, the eye doctors, and the prayers and support we received are evidence of God’s unfailing love and faithfulness. As days went by, I started to enjoy the mountain roads, the cafeteria food, eye drops, and our daily Bible reading together. I was especially grateful that all these happened after (not before, not during) our son wedding in August.

On Christmas Eve, we had dinner in San Francisco with our son, daughter-in-law, James’ mother and other extended family. We got on the plane with our mentors the next day. We felt privileged for a chance to minister to Chinese college students, scholars, and young adults in UK and Germany.

We experienced God’s grace and power when we felt weak and out-of-control. He comforted us through people, Bible passages, and songs, including one of my favorite hymns "God Hath Not Promised” with these lyrics:

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways all our lives thru;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain,

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

A few days ago (April 21, 2008), James had his three-month check up. The condition of his left eye is even better than his right eye! And his next scheduled visit will be a year from now. Indeed, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9).

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). If you are anxious right now, what are you going to do about it?

copyright © 2005-2008 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC, all rights reserved.