Treasuring the Heart

I used to anticipate something special from my husband on Valentine’s Day. Without telling, I wished he could read my mind and bring me the right surprise. When he forgot or did not meet my hidden expectation, I would get upset and said he did not care. As a result, he got hurt or worried about bringing or doing the wrong thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate, flowers and elaborate dinner too. However, now that we are a little bit older and wiser, we treasure each other as special beings. Life is too short to waste our time and energy sweating on little stuff. We have both learned to look for and appreciate any effort and progress! Today we celebrated with no appointments (except one prayer meeting) and took a break from unpacking (after our recent move). We gave each other hugs and kisses, shared simple meals, and talked. What is the best part? We read and I got time to write this newsletter.

Money cannot buy happiness, neither can academic successes and professional achievements. The death of Mengyao Zhou, a Stanford Graduate student whose body was found in the trunk of her own car a few weeks ago, should be a wake up call for parents everywhere. Whether she died of suicide or homicide, this tragedy should remind us to treasure and enjoy our loved ones every moment we share.

Gary Smalley and John Trent wrote, “To treasure something means to attach great importance or high value to it. People take good care of what they treasure. Have you noticed it? … Without meaning to, a parent or spouse can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to him or her than family.”

Because of our individuality and differences, it is unavoidable to offend each other when we live or work together. When we are anxious, hurt or depressed, it is so natural to forget that the other person may also be in pain, just like us! Have you noticed that even when we are trying to resolve conflicts, we could get into arguments by insisting on how we could come to resolution?

To rebuild broken relationships, we need to focus on the hearts. If you sense that your spouse or child is not open to you for whatever reasons, here are some steps to restore your relationship. You can change the gender of the pronouns (e.g. “he” and “him” to “she” and “her”) as suitable. The idea of these tips come from the book, “The Key to Your Child’s Heart – Proven Steps That Will Help You Raise Motivated, Obedient, and Loving Children” by Gary Smalley.

1. Operate from love. Work on our own attitudes and become tenderhearted. Let him know that he is valuable and important, that you care about him, that you know something is wrong, and that you are open to listen.

2. Listen actively and attentively to increase understanding, especially for his feelings, the significance, and the meaning of what happen from his perspective.

3. If you have done or said anything wrong, recognize and admit your offense. Sometimes we may do what is right in the wrong way or at the wrong time.

4. Reach out and touch gently. By attempting to touch, you will find out whether he is open or not. If he is not ready, give time for adjustment. Don’t take it as further rejection. If possible, take him tenderly into your arms and hold him for awhile.

5. Seek forgiveness. Ask him, “Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?” Give him time to think about what has happened instead of forcing him to forgive you.

I have seen it working for children, teenagers, and adults although as you may know, little kids usually forgive more willingly. Restoration of relationships consists of confession of wrong plus granting of forgiveness. So, don’t deny the problem and don’t drop the issue. If the other person refuses to forgive you, it could be because the offense was much deeper than you realized. He may need time to think through what has happened, or he may want to see a real change in your behavior before forgiving you. If he still does not open up for whatever reason, start all over again (may be at another time) gently and softly. Don’t give up loving him.

On the other hand, if you were offended, consider forgiveness because it can break the chains that bind you in pain. Think about how God has forgiven us. When you let go of the offenses and release the pain, you are letting God set your heart free. I know it is easier said than done. Sometimes what works for me is to remind myself that the other person probably has problems (i.e. difficulties and unmet needs) of his own or doesn’t know better. When I pray for him, I always feel better.

Let’s say you really don’t have major problems in your home, but like many Asian Americans, your family does not show love with hugs, kisses, and “I love you.” For the sake of your marital relationship and your children, I hope you will start practicing these love languages. Valentine’s Day (and other holidays) will be good excuses to show them your affection. If you don’t fill their emotional love tank regularly, they will not have the will power and strength to reject someone else’s so called love and physical affection because that is what they are yearning for.

Restoration is better late than never! Aren’t yourself, your spouse, and your children important to you? Treasure those you love! Reach out and touch them. If you are willing and patient, you can restore your relationships by the grace of God. We have all heard sad deathbed stories. Don’t let your pride and protective walls prevent you from reaching out first, or you would end up in a deadlock.

Jesus says, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21)

Happy Valentine’s Day and Chinese New Year!!!

Copyright © 2005-2007 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC