Helping Someone Who Feels Frustrated or Discouraged

Early morning March 8^th 2008, I was on my way to Castro Valley to lead four workshops at BASS. I was glad that I took the short cut on a familiar country road. All was well until I saw (in my rear-view mirror) a white car fast approaching from behind. It was going way too fast! Although it slowed down, it was tailgating me and I tensed up. I was in someone's way. My chest, arms and hands tightened as images of road rages flashed through my mind.

Feeling threatened and frustrated, I uttered a prayer and soothed myself, “He is not out to get me. There may be an emergency …Focus on safety …Better late than never …” As soon as possible, I signaled, slowed down, and pulled over. The other car sped by as I shouted to the air, “Be careful! We're entering a long stretch of winding road!”

That afternoon, I used this scenario to illustrate how emotions could affect our functioning and reasoning in my workshop “Understanding and Helping Kids Deal with Their Emotions.” When security and safety were threatened, my survival instincts kicked in with lightning speed. Fight or flight. Attack or withdraw. But not every situation is about life or death. Therefore, it is important to train our children to use feelings as signals that draw attention to what is really going on. From an early age, we can teach kids to name feelings (e.g. glad, mad or sad) by sharing our own. They need to know that category of emotions (e.g. mad) have different degrees of intensity (e.g. annoyed vs. raged). Since we also have emotions through out the day, there are plenty of teachable moments. Parents, have you ever told your kids, “I feel frustrated when that guy cut in front of us just like that. I was scared because it is so dangerous. I am glad we are safe because I focus on the road and not him.”

Children want to know we care about them before they care about what we are saying. Here are a few suggestions from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

(1) Instead of half listening, listen with full attention (e.g. eye contact).

(2) Instead of asking questions and giving advice, acknowledge what he or she is saying with a word, such as "Oh … Mmm … I see …"

(3) Instead of denying the feeling, give the feeling a name, e.g. "You feel angry because Eric hit you.”

(4) Instead of explanation and logic, give a child his wishes in fantasy (to show you care).

Kids and teenagers can be unhappy for many reasons. I vividly remember one of my earliest experiences counseling kids at public schools. One day I had an appointment with a third grade girl. As I approached her classroom, I saw her and her teacher standing at the door. Just one look and I sensed something was wrong. Both of them were standing with hands on hips and fiery stare from their eyes. They were interrupting each other. When the teacher saw me, she exclaimed, “Take her. Take her. She needs counseling” and recounted a long list of unacceptable behaviors before entering her classroom. Concerned. I gently touched the girl's arm and said, “Let's go. We will talk.”

We were both quiet until we turned the corner. As we walked along an empty corridor, I said softly, “You felt misunderstood. Right?” At those words, the girl started to sob. In our small room, she told her side of the story when all I could do was listening. “I did my homework ... I did not bring it … But it was not an excuse … Mrs. X wanted me to do it during recess … But I already did it …” Then she poured out her heart and shared her fear, agony and pains. She was devastated by the divorce of her parents who shifted her between two houses in mid-week. Now instead of a stubborn and disrespectful child, I saw someone desperately trying to figure things out and defend herself! Before the session ended, she was smiling and had a plan. She would apologize to her teacher, write a note to explain what happened, and bring her homework.

People quit jobs, leave ministry, get divorce, and give up on our kids when we see problems without hope and help! We get frustrated and angry when someone blocks our goal. But underneath the angry outbursts, there are usually anxiety and fear. When discouragements pile up, we feel depressed as we convince ourselves that our goals are unreachable. As parents, teachers, and counselors, we want to help kids and teenagers, but what if our efforts are going nowhere? How can we keep going?

“What do we need to know when we are discouraged?” That was the message given by Pastor Rene Schlaepfer during the Saturday morning general session at BASS. He was addressing people in Christian ministries. He quoted statistics (e.g. “50% of people in full time ministry don't survive the first five years” and “15% of all people in church ministry are thinking seriously about quitting”) and shared how after 6 months at his church, he fell into deep depression and was hospitalized for panic attacks!

Pastor Rene used the passage of Matthew 16:15-20 to remind us that when we feel discouraged (i.e. inadequate, insufficient, and insignificant) in ministry, we can persevere only by holding on the truth that the church is built with average people (like Peter, you and me) by Christ Himself (who is all sufficient) and will last forever (as we are part of His plan and His kingdom). Our faith and the foundation of the church is Peter's confession to Jesus that “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.”

I was glad to meet old and new friends at BASS. Some of you asked whether I dropped you from the distribution list of my newsletters. No, of course not. I was just detoured by pressing matters. 2007 was a year of big changes in our lives. In August, our only son got married. Things were going very well until something unexpected happened.

In September, my husband James realized he lost some central vision in his left eye. In October, he was diagnosed with a macular hole. From that point on, we went through so many ups and downs that I had to give up my agenda. You can read about his surgery, gas bubble, extremely high eye pressure, eye ICU, face down position, and so on from my personal blog (see PS #2). Thank God that His grace is sufficient for us, and His power is complete in our weaknesses.

As I focused my attention on James, I counted many blessings, including the timing of his surgery and how we found his doctors! By the grace of God, I learned to enjoy activities such as driving to the doctors, having breakfast at the clinic cafeteria, administering three to four types of eye drops (10 minutes apart) a few times a day, etc. Since James stayed face down for almost 3 weeks, I ended up reading the Bible for both of us. As a result, we have a new habit of daily reading the Bible together (instead of individually).

Imagine our gratitude when we boarded our plane for Europe last Christmas Day! It was a great honor and privilege to be part of a team ministering to Mandarin speaking students and families in Germany and UK. Other than leading small groups, I was counseling individuals and couples until 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning.

James' eye trouble caught us by surprise. I thought we could not go to Europe as planned. I thought I could find no time to publish my website. I even thought I could not write another newsletter. But putting down my own agenda and letting Christ be in charge have deepened my trust that He will carry out His plan in His time. In this Easter season, I can attest the joy of experiencing resurrection from the dead in our lives!

“I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead” (Philippians 3:10-11).

Back to my early morning drive on the winding country road. Soon after the hurried driver passed me, I saw smoke ahead on my left hand side on that narrow 2-lane road. I proceeded carefully and drove by a parked car, a parked police car, a police putting down signaling rods, and later an ambulance and a fire engine rushing to the scene. Imagine the road being closed and me being trapped in the middle of nowhere! Going to BASS was not under my control. Before long, I caught sight of the little white car again. This time, he was going very slowly (and trapped) behind an extra wide truck on the winding road.

In spite of the unexpected delay, I arrived the upper campus of Redwood Chapel just in time for my 8:00 a.m. workshop. It went well and I was able to attend the worship led by Don Moen and heard the message from Pastor Rene. At the closing of that general session, Dan led us sing “God will make a way.” With tears in my eyes, I once again gave thanks for His grace. Just a few days earlier, I became discouraged and anxious since I could not find extra time. I questioned my sanity for teaching six workshops in one weekend. But even though I felt inadequate, insufficient and insignificant, the Lord showed me His way. For the rest of that day, I soaked in His love, faithfulness and power.

In His time, I also published my website and automated my newsletter subscription process. God did make a way! Happy Easter!

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