Regain Sanity When Feeling Overwhelmed

Life Is So Unpredictable!

Before May 12, 2008, who would imagine an earthquake of 7.8 magnitude shaking Sichuan just when China was getting ready to host her first Summer Olympics? But it happened just like that! By June 4, almost 70,000 people are confirmed dead, almost 374,000 injured, and almost 18,000 still missing.

The Sichuan quake is much more severe than the Loma Prieta earthquake that occurred on October 17, 1989 in the Bay Area. On that day, two local major league baseball teams - the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants - were competing in the World Series. During the warm up of the third game, millions watched the earthquake broadcast on live television, unexpectedly!

Anything Can Happen to Anyone at Any time

On April 21, my husband James visited his doctor for a six-month post-op check-up. OCT scans were taken for both eyes. His left eye (that was operated on) looked normal. But the vitreous sack of his right eye was clearly stretching and pulling his retina. Our concern was intensified when the doctor said, "Well, something will happen although we don't know when. Call me immediately if your vision changes."

I went out of town on Friday, April 26 to attend a "couples conference" for mental health professionals. When I returned home the next Tuesday, James casually mentioned, "Over the weekend, my right eye start seeing wavy (instead of straight) lines."

On May 5, the doctor and new scans confirmed that the tearing of the macular had progressed rapidly into a tiny hole. So James had to go through another vitrectomy - this time on his right eye. The second time around, I still dreaded the surgery and suffering such as the 2-3 weeks face down period. Hopefully high eye pressure will be prevented. But who knows what else would happen?

I remembered an incident in the summer of 1973. It was the day before I left Hong Kong for San Francisco. On that day, my mother insisted on ironing my clothes rather than delegating the tasks to our maid. Suddenly I heard, "Oh NO." Just one look, I yelled, "WHY did YOU do THAT?"

Perception or Reality? - It Takes Two to Tango

Even with good intentions, it is inevitable that we sometimes disappoint, frustrate, and hurt the persons we love the most. Many relationships are broken because it is our human nature to judge others by their actions and words; yet we defend ourselves based on our unspoken feelings, thoughts and intentions.

In her book, "A Daughter's Journey Home - Finding a Way to Love, Honor and Connect with Your Mother" Dr. Linda Mintle listed some thoughts, beliefs and perceptions that might trigger anger in daughters towards their mothers. Do these sound familiar?

"My mother didn't meet my needs."
"She wanted more than I could give."
"She reacts negatively to my choices."
"She offers suggestions, advice, or opinions when I don't want them."
"She's aging."
"She intrudes upon my space and time."
"She tries to control me."
"She criticizes what I do."
"She doesn't accept me for who I am."
"She betrayed my trust or violated boundaries."

The more we repeat these statements, the more we convinced ourselves that they are true. And pretty soon, we create our own reality and miss the other person's perspective and what really
matters.

Operate from the Foundation of Love and Acceptance

My mother and I were extremely close when I was growing up. I never doubted her love and she knew I tried my best to obey, to study, and to honor her. Although I yelled, somehow she understood that I was overwhelmed with disappointment and sadness as I walked away. Next, she repaired our relationship with sacrificial love and motherly touch. "Look! I turned the pointed collars into half-oval shape."

Looking back, I am grateful that mother did not react to my yelling with scolding, lecturing, crying or withdrawal that day. Somehow she understood my mixed feelings (e.g. excited to fly to a new world and sad to leave my mother behind). She accepted me.

The burnt collar scenario often came to my mind when I watched two people (e.g. husband-wife, parent-child) who love each other hurting one another with ineffective communication under stressful situations. Loving someone is not easy. I really appreciate how my mother stayed on higher ground.

How did she regain her sanity and took care of me? By being emotionally resilient: She did not take my reactions personally. She stayed center and anchored to our mutual love. She remained open and curious about my emotional reactions. She gave me space. She creatively modified the collars of my blouse.

What Can You Control? Really?

Disagreements, anxieties and tensions are inevitable when two people live or work together. Instead of assuming someone as intentionally hurting you, how about reflecting on your own
contribution to your painful interactions?

Reinhold Niebuhr wrote a "Serenity Prayer" that says, "God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

James and I had no control about him having two surgeries in seven months. However, even the ordeal of high eye pressure, vomiting and headache could be made into something beautiful in God's time.

James' left eye surgery has positive outcome: the macular hole is closed, the retina remained attached, we went to Europe. Although there is still a slight distortion, James' left eye can now see very far without wearing correction lens or glasses (because the doctor also removed his lens)!

Enjoy The Moment Instead of Boasting About Tomorrow

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (James 4:13-17)

After the surgery was set to June 10, I contacted various people to reschedule my talks or urge them to invite other speakers. Amazingly, whenever I was willing to surrender my will, my way
and/or my timing, I found out that God had other plans.

While it often takes months to schedule an event, I had the most extraordinary experience on Monday, May 19. That day, out of the blue, a sister asked me to lead a workshop in a Friendship Building Camp on Saturday, May 24.

How did it happen? I made it a priority to meet sisters in Christ, and I tried to honor a promise I made many weeks ago (to bring a "hand-shredded chicken" salad). While we were praying, someone called to report that the original speaker was quite sick and could not travel. When urged to seek a local speaker, the organizer saw me!

Are things not going your way? Do some unpleasant people stress you out? Do unexpected events interrupt your plan? When you feel overwhelmed and out-of-control, you can still regain sanity.

Start with taking a few deep breaths, stretching your arms and legs, and moving your feet. Don't take things personally, anchor yourself in God's love and faithfulness, trust in Him, and let things unfold.

copyright © 2005-2008 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC, all rights reserved