Manage Stress or Let Stress Manage You

Stress is Everywhere!

Unemployment, credit crunch, foreclosures, high gas prices, tainted milk, earthquakes, hurricanes, incredulous financial meltdown at Wall Street, government interventions, and presidential debates. Stress is everywhere, even at places least expected.

On Monday, September 15, 2008 I went to the gym. I saw a man waiting in front of the counter but there was no clerk. I stepped closer. A female clerk popped up from behind the counter and quickly moved a small device next to where I was standing. Before I figured out what to do, the clerk grabbed my card and scanned in my barcode. A look on her face alerted me. Wondering what I did wrong, I tightened my fists. Then I realized I walked into a developing conflict unknowingly.

What Stress Management is All About?

A stress event disturbs our equilibrium. Facing a momentarily crisis, our automatic survival instincts (e.g. flight or fight) kick in. After every stress event, our body and mind need a chance to rest and recover. We cool down and return to normal. But too many stress events, one after another, or having too much pressure can knock us off balance when we don’t have adequate time for recovery.

I never found out what transpired between those two people in the gym. I felt better once I started walking on the trackmill until devastation of Galveston by Hurricane Ike came onto the TV screen. I thought about my sister who evacuated for Hurricane Rita, Gustav, and Ike. We spoke everyday when Ike approached the Golf Coast but all circuits were busy on Sunday.

Next came the breaking news about Lehman Brothers filing for bankruptcy. Later that day, I heard that Dow Jones suffered the steepest drop since the days after the terrorist attacks. What a stressful day!

In their book, “The Complete Stress Management Workbook – Your personal Step by Step Program for Handling Stress in Your Life,” Drs. Thomas Whiteman and Sam Verghese reminded us, “Stress does not just happen to you; it also involves how you respond to what happens around you.” Stress management equips our mind and body to deal with stresses that come our way.

The first step of managing stress is to be aware of how stress robs us of our joy and peace. By tracing the roots of our worries and by redirecting our destructive impulses into positive actions, we can begin to rise above our daily pressure. Stressed out? Slow down. Analyze the situation, then decide whether to accept, alter or avoid.

Avoid Stressful Situations and Give Yourself a Time Out

Sometimes we need to let others resolve their own issues. Other times we need to turn off the TV when there was too much bad news. Be honest with yourself and give yourself a time out from the stress producer.

Denial says we don’t have any problem. Avoidance says problem exists but we choose to walk away and cool down at this moment. But avoidance only gives temporary relief.

I could avoid arguing with the clerk but when we live or work with someone, withdrawing and avoiding conflicts will lead to further misunderstanding, hurts and resentments. In times, we feel more and more powerless (which makes us feel hopeless and helpless), and the other person gets the wrong impression that we don’t care! Sooner or later, one or both of us will blow up out of proportion.

Accept Things We Cannot Change

Some stressful situations are beyond our control. Instead of fighting her way through hurricanes and making things worse, my sister chose to evacuate.

On June 10, my husband James had an eye surgery (called Vitrectomy) on his right eye. Because his left eye recovered well from an earlier operation, we thought this surgery on his right eye would be smoother sailing. But were we surprised!

Although James did not experience severe eye pains, headache, or vomiting post-surgery like he did last year, there were other complications, one after another. In short, James’ right eye suffered three incidents of retina detachment. Instead of guessing, blaming, and blowing off stream, we accepted surprises and disappointments as they came. All in all, his right eye went through two operations and four in-clinic procedures. By the grace of God, his retina has stayed attached since August 8.

Analyze the Under Currents

Understanding our underlying emotions help us manager stress.

Seven years ago (on September 15, 2001), James and I took our son Scott to college. The move was smooth and Scott set up his PC with lightning speed. They took turns checking e-mails and surfing the web until I heard James said, “Time to go.”

I thought, “What’s the rush?” but I said, “Let’s go to the bookstore to get his books.” When we finished shopping in record time, James said, “let’s go” again. Ouch. I reasoned, “It’s almost noon, let’s have lunch. We’ll leave in a couple of hours.”

Going to college was supposed to be a happy event. But I felt sad and mad and they couldn’t read my mind: I was angry that James wanted to leave, disappointed that Scott no longer needed me, sorry that parenting as I knew it came to an end, traumatized by the terrorist attacks four days earlier, and scared to death of sudden death just like my mother’s. I was anxious and worried about our future. I was stressing myself out!

Alter What Is Under Your Control

Often times the most effective way to manage stress is to change our own perspective, attitude and behavior.

Back to our son’s move-in day: My unspoken anxieties, worries and fears caused James and Scott to feel stressed. They withdrew to avoid conflicts and I thought they didn’t care. But when I openly shared my feelings, they listened, understood and accepted me.

After lunch I said, "Let's take pictures of your campus. Mom will be on her way in a couple of hours" and we all started laughing.

Two hours later, James took the last photo. My almost six feet tall son wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I had tears in my eyes, smile on my face, and these thoughts inside: “I am sad to depart but I am so glad that James and I had the privilege to parent Scott for 18 years. It is time for him to face the world. Even if I would never see him on earth again, I have no regret. All I could do is to pray for him and trust that he is in God’s hands.”

Admit Our Humanness and Ask for Help

Sometimes we cope with painful situations by denying our problems, keeping up our appearances, hiding our worries, isolating ourselves, making ourselves even busier, and indulging in numbing substances or addictive-compulsive behaviors.

In the 12-Step programs of Alcoholic Anonymous, the recovery steps start with: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Trusting in Jesus Christ has helped me deal with stress being part of life as Apostle Paul wrote, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

During James’ eye treatment and recovery, I often e-mailed our family and friends with updates and prayer requests. I was encouraged by how many people were praying for us.

Keep Things in Perspective

When we focus only on the negatives in life, we forget to count our blessings.

In spite of the ups and downs associated with his eye operations and recovery, James and I celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary in July. Contrasting the first 13.5 years with the past 19.5 years of marriage, we gave thanks for our changed lives as individual, couple, parents and recently grandparents!

Right after the terrorist attacks, we sent Scott to college with great unknowns. In the last seven years, Scott blossomed into a mature and responsible young man. He started dating his future wife in early 2004. They graduated from college in 2005, got engaged in 2006, and got married in August 2007. This year, Scott graduated from seminary in June and became a daddy on September 11, 2008. The birth of our precious granddaughter has given new meaning and hope to a date that we would never forget.

Are you stressed out or are you stressing yourself out? As you go through this stressful period of time, remember that you are not alone. You don’t need to tough it out. Learn to analyze, accept, alter, and avoid. Don’t forget to find some support for yourself.

copyright © 2005-2008 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC, all rights reserved.