Rebuilding Loving Relationships

Loving and Feeling Loved

On Christmas Day 2009, James and I hugged our granddaughter (and her mommy) goodbye before our son took us to the airport. We were on a mission trip to Germany and Scotland, serving in Discipleship Training Conferences and at some churches.

Upon our return, our son picked us up from the airport and drove to their place. Our daughter-in-law greeted us at the door. I walked in, turned the corner, and saw our granddaughter playing on the far side of the room. We haven’t seen each other for eighteen days! And that’s a long time for a 16-month-old girl.

I called out her name. She looked up, dropped her toy, stood up, stretched out her arms, and started toddling towards me. Ambivalent to obstacles (e.g. big furniture and small toys) along her way, she approached me with a big smile. I moved towards her reciprocally with open arms and smiling eyes. When I held her tight and kissed her, she hugged back and cuddled. All my tiredness was gone!

How Do People Grow Apart?

Love is the most basic human need. Even in close relationship, misunderstanding and/or unawareness would increase our distance. Here are two interesting articles from the March 2010 edition of Reader’s Digest.

Michelle Porter wrote, “My five-year-old son and I were discussing some of the differences between his childhood and mine. I pointed out that when I was young, we didn’t have Nintendo, cell phones, computers, or even digital cameras. I realized just how difficult this was for him to comprehend when he asked, “Did you have fruit?”

Her story is entitled “And I had to walk ten miles in the snow just to get to Ben & Jerry’s.” Does that conversation sound familiar?

The other quote is from the “Laugh!:)” section as dry humor:

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”

The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you?”

Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Are you unhappy how your marital and parent-child relationship have deteriorated? Are you tired of heated arguments or emotional coldness from the person you love? Instead of feeling loved and supported, couples escalate into conflicts, resentments, separation and even divorce due to normal stresses such as parenting, household routines, financial and career demands, fatigue, sleep deprivation, and day care arrangements, not to mention other issues involving grandparents, in-laws, and personal developmental pains and traumas. Loving is not easy!

Genuine Love in Action

While people may “fall” in love easily, the commitment to love is costly. Somehow close relationship stirs up a lot of feelings, tests the core of our beings, and brings out the best and the worst in us. When feeling neglected or rejected, when our hot buttons are pushed, we take things personally! Before we know it, we argue about who is right and who is wrong. We don't have the time and patience to hear each other out, let alone resolve conflicts. When we cannot enjoy each other, we feel tense and annoyed. As frustration turns into disappointment and hurt, we question why we got married in the first place, whether it was a mistake to have that child or teenager, and why we work so hard to provide for and take care of our family.

Think back to the first time you hold that special person in your arms. How you loved and felt loved? Did you intend to love first? Or did you feel loved first? Who is your source of love?

When we love, certain loving qualities naturally flow out from us:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

Filling Emotional Love Tanks

It takes awareness, knowledge and skills to love in the long run. Don’t let past disappointments and present challenges hijack your marital or parent-child satisfaction! Love is a choice and you can do something about it.

The concept of emotional love tank and love languages is helpful. In his series of books on "Five Love Languages," Gary Chapman suggests that each person has his/her own dominant (primary and secondary) love languages. Most of us will feel loved only if someone matches their ways of expressing love to our unique preference, which could be Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Gifts.

We feel loved only when love is "spoken" through our particular language. A person’s most frequent complaints (e.g. “He never spends time with me” or “She always criticizes me”) are hints as to what that person is craving for.

When we feel loved in intimate relationship, we treat the other person as our friend. When we don’t, he/she is considered our enemy and we have to defend ourselves. Believe it or not, it could take five to eleven positive interactions to cancel out one negative interaction!

One way to repair your relationship is start giving affirmations. This could mean saying “I love you” and “Thank you” as often as you mean it. We need to make it a habit to specifically thank someone for what he/she has done and appreciate the positive qualities of his/her character.

Another way is to attentively listen so that you could understand and accept (even if you disagree) the thoughts, feelings, needs and dreams of the other person. Being curious and interested in what a person has to say will definitely help your relationship. By not forcing changes, you show that person your true acceptance and unconditional love.

Treasuring Hearts, Holding Hands

I know the pain of broken relationships first hand. By the grace of God, James and I have learned many strategies and ways to rebuild our relationship and become a couple having FUN functioning as a team! I believe our vulnerability and progress have also impacted our son who has become a loving husband and father.

After thirty-four years of marriage, James and I love sharing our experiences with other couples and teaching them how to break their destructive cycle, rekindle their love, and communicate so that they get what they really, really want. We have come a long way. Check out my published Chinese article “Still Holding Hands” (with our photos from 1975 and 2008) at http://parentingabcnewsletterinchinese.blogspot.com.

Restoration starts with “Treasuring the Heart.” Read more from my English article at
http://parentingabcnewsletterinenglish.blogspot.com/2007/02/i-used-to-anticipate-something-special.html

Happy Valentine Day and Happy Chinese New Year!

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Winnis Chiang, MA, MFT, Founder and Director of Parenting ABC, is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Fluent in Cantonese, Mandarin and English, she specializes in helping couples and parents of American Born Chinese. To find out more about her programs and services, visit www.parentingabc.com or call 925-806-8600.