Thursday, March 10, 2011

Living in Love and Unity

I am in love again ... this time with a little guy who weighed 8 lbs. 3 oz. and measured 21 inches at birth. I love to hold him, especially after he was nursed and burped. It helps that I don't have to take care of him in the middle of the night nor change his diapers. One evening after dinner, I held the baby while his mommy was playing with his big sister. We stared into each other's eyes when he was not dozing off. I talked "googoogaga" and he smiled. Suddenly, I heard his mommy, "Wow, you two look so comfortable and happy together. Are your arms tired? You've been holding him for more than an hour." I just grinned ear to ear, "Really?" Dear Friend, words cannot fully expressed our joy being Nai Nai and Ye Ye (Mandarin for grandma and grandpa on the father's side) the second time around. As of mid December, we still did not know where the baby would be born and whether we could visit him. You see, our son and his family had been living in Africa since March 2010. The matter was complicated because my husband James and I were scheduled to fly to Germany on December 25 for a mission trip. Finally, we heard they would be back on December 21. As major airports in Europe were paralyzed by heavy snow storms, James was checking airport condition and flight status around the clock. It was past midnight when he reported, "They just landed at Frankfurt. But their connecting flight is cancelled." My heart sunk as I imagined our son dashing around with his very pregnant wife and very young daughter in the cold and crowded airport. As if to cheer me up, James said, "If they could not get back, maybe we can meet them in Frankfurt." For a moment, I felt hopeful. Then I puzzled, "But how can we get there?" James admitted, "It is beyond me too. Let's pray and get some sleep." I felt dejected when I went to my office early next morning. Then my spirit was lifted up when I read our son's e-mail, "Our flight was canceled. We had to switch flights ... Not airline XX but YY. See online. YY Flight number nnnn. Currently 4 hrs delayed." By the grace of God, together we celebrated Christmas Eve with James' mother and siblings. The next morning, our son took us to SFO. For 24 days, we traveled in Germany, UK and France to teach, lead groups, coach and mentor young Christians in Discipleship Training conferences (DTCs) and at some local churches. I'll tell you more about our trip later. But let me first share family stories. When our son was growing up, the three of us lived in a six-bedroom house. In 2003, James and I downsized to a two-bedroom unit to prepare for his full-time ministry. When we were assigned to a church in another city, we lived temporarily in rentals. After our son graduated from college in 2005, he stayed in our place while attending seminary and serving at our home church. Although we visited a day here and there, it was more of the home for him, his wife and daughter until they moved to Africa and we moved back in March last year. Once I knew they were coming back, I moved boxes into the garage and hired a cleaning lady. My daughter-in-law showed appreciation immediately. "The place is so clean, much cleaner than it was when we lived here. You did this for us. Thanks!" At first they refused to take the master bedroom. But I said, "It was your room too ... You have a growing family ... We want you to have lots of rest. Besides, we're leaving town in a few days. We will figure things out later." While in Europe, James and I slept in three conference facilities, someone's home, the dormitory of a mission organization, and a small hotel. We traveled by planes, taxis, cars, trains, the Eurostar, and subway. The people we were serving kept our full attention. But every few days, we would read and send e-mails during our short breaks. In UK, we learned that baby was on schedule. By the time we were flying back to SFO, I could no longer wait to see my family. Our son picked us up and took us to a late dinner. I was surprised when he told us that his wife and daughter were staying with her parents for a few days. "They are not home?" I tried to conceal my disappointment. "Your e-mail said you were sick and we don't want her to get sick catching some European virus right before the baby is born ..." I was speechless. But that was in UK, I was fine in Paris! After our son parked the car in front of some restaurants, James suggested we walked another block to pick the best place; I was irritated, snapped at James, and refused to go along. We were quiet at dinner. Before getting back into the van, I said, "Sorry. It has been a very long day. I am just too tired." I felt better the next morning and met with clients as planned. I bought food home for dinner. We were more relaxed than the previous night. Suddenly, I appreciated how God had given us a chance to talk with each other, just the three of us. Soon our son asked about the DTCs. James explained, "We have four different modules. Each conference focuses on only one module. Two conferences are held in one place every year. Therefore, it would take two years for someone to finish four modules. The first module is 'Living in Christ' which helps believers realize that although we have new life in Christ, most of us still live according to our old value system, old ways of thinking, old habits, and business as usual, hence losing our joy and peace in Christ." Seizing the opportunity, I jumped in, "Like last night, I was unhappy even though I understood the importance of avoiding virus during pregnancy. Somehow I felt rejected. Then I worried whether I had said or done something wrong and made you mad at me." James added, "Mom did not like being quarantined. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. I was angry at her when she picked on me for nothing." Our son reassured, "Mom, of course we love you! We are not angry at you. Are you worrying about ...?" I replied, "Yes, I worried because we did not have a chance to talk. Message is up to interpretation. I don't know how my hurried e-mails came across. When I assumed the worst, I felt sorry for myself. When I could not hold my negative feelings anymore, I picked on Dad. It is a bad habit of mine, just because he is safe." I apologized to James. He accepted and added, "I understand. Returning to Christ last night in my thoughts allowed me to accept your weakness. I'm glad we are both learning and growing." Nodding in agreement, our son said, "That's cool. Sorry you felt rejected, mom. That's not our intention. Anyway, they will be back in two days." When they returned I was overjoyed! My little granddaughter who could only use sign language could now talk! Her sentences are short, simple, and usually have three parts. For examples, "Please Ba Ba milk," "Please Ye Ye (Ba)nana," or "Please mommy excused" (after she finished her food). I am amazed at her language ability. At meal time, we held hands to say grace. One day, she requested, "Please Me Pray." From then on, it became a ritual. After one of the adults prayed, she said in the cutest voice, "Dear God, thank you for food. Amen." But "Please Nai Nai Play" is by far her most favorite sentence. For that reason, I could not finish this newsletter even though I started before Valentine's Day. There is no way for me to ignore a sweet little girl with big brown eyes and a lovely smile saying, "Nai Nai, what you doing?" or "Love you Nai Nai," and "Please Nai Nai Play." However, I have to admit that while I usually could not resist my granddaughter, sometimes she bothered me, especially when she said, "Mine," "No," or "Why" one time too many. One evening, I was cooking and she was playing in our combo living room, dining room and kitchen. Suddenly, I saw her pushing some buttons on the front panel of our dishwasher. Oh No. The setting would be wrong. Immediately I said, "Don't do that." When she did it again and again, I grabbed her little hands tight and raised my voice, "No!" She startled me when she started crying and running into her mommy's room. Soon, she came back with her mommy behind her. Before I said anything, our daughter-in-law got down to the girl's level and instructed, "Tell Nai Nai you're sorry. Not listening is disrespectful." She said "Sorry Nai Nai" and I hugged and kissed her. As she turned away to play, her mother softly said, "She was scared when you yelled." How embarrassing! Incidents like these opened up conversations afterward. Misunderstanding was clarified. As we communicated our feelings, thoughts and needs, and agreed to keep discipline appropriate, consistent, and within boundary, the four adults have unity among us. James and I have no problem following their lead. They are the parents! To avoid the infant and toddler waking up each other, we decided to have our granddaughter sleep with James and me in our second bedroom, which is really James' study. Her Ba Ba handled the going to bed routine effectively. If she woke up in the middle of the night, she would ask to go potty. I had the privilege of taking off her diaper, putting her on her small toilet seat, waiting for her to be done, putting on her diaper again, and returning her to bed. I am still amazed that I could do all those things in the dark and falling back to sleep. On February 18, James and I went to Denver to serve in another DTC. Just like the recent conferences in Germany and UK, this one was on module 3--"I and the Church." The body of Christ is characterized by love and unity with the following theme passage: "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:1-3) Sharing tight living space gave us the opportunity to practice what we preach. For example, I always thought I loved my granddaughter. But how did I feel when she said "NO!" with a smile to my inquiry, "Do you want to give Nai Nai a hug?" I felt hurt and rejected! One day, her mommy observed my disappointment and suggested, "She is too young. I just do it her Ba Ba's way." As it turned out, her Ba Ba's way was also my way. Whenever I smiled, squatted down, stretched out my arms, and said, "Bao Bao" (Mandarin for hug hug), she would rush into my arms. I often have unrealistic expectations during adjustment periods. I thought I could deal with jet lag, catch up with my counseling practice, write a few Chinese articles, and publish this newsletter. Not only was I interrupted by "Please Nai Nai Play" all the time, I was busy shopping, cooking, washing dishes, laundary, etc., even though they also chipped in. And of course I loved to hold the baby. Trying to do it all, I was stressing myself out. One day, I broke down and cried in my car. I turned on the CD player and a choir was singing, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a) But what grabbed my heart was when they sang, "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) I asked myself, "Do I have love? Am I a loving person?" Admitting my impatience and self-centeredness, I cried out to God and received forgiveness (according to Bible verse 1 John 1:9). From that day on, I treasured every minute with my family. Although I missed them even before their departure on March 1, I am forever grateful that we had the chance of living together, baby and all. When I finally had time to check e-mail, there was a shocking news. "I'm sorry to inform you the sudden passing of our dear brother ... He collapsed while playing basketball, most likely due to heart attack. He was rushed to the hospital but couldn't be revived." My friend passed away at age 56. He and his wife have been my friends for over thirty-seven years. In the eighties, they invited us to their church year after year, rejection after rejection. The seventh year, we reluctantly attended their church's Christmas program after enjoying dinner at their home. The following Sunday, I started going to one of their sister churches. Within four weeks, I received Jesus Christ as my personal Savior on January 28, 1989. The invitation to my friend's memorial service described him as "Our visionary leader, a loving father and husband, a kind and generous friend, and a faithful servant of God." The sanctuary was packed with people who came to say farewell and to celebrate his life. Even though our friend is with the Lord, it is still very hard for all of us to lose him on earth. Please pray for his wife, two grown children, his parents and three sisters. Just a few weeks ago, I saw his wife at church in between services. I excitedly pulled out my cell phone and showed her photo of my grandchildren. We were talking and laughing when he came up from nowhere and asked in Cantonese, "What are you looking at?" I replied, "I have a grandson now." He smiled and said, "I knew. I saw your son last Sunday when he came to play basketball with us. He told me." Life is short. When I feel sad missing someone, I comfort myself by redirecting my attention to the good times we have had together. Sometimes I sing my favorite songs. This past week has been very tough, even though I was happy to see some of you at BASS and DTC. During this time, a Mandarin song entitled "Going through Life with You" (與祢同走過) kept coming to my mind. I have placed the lyrics and a YouTube video link in my Chinese article blog. You will also found a newly published Chinese article of mine. Check them out. Chinese: http://winnischiang.blogspot.com/ English: http://parentingabcnewsletterinenglish.blogspot.com It is my joy to know Christ and people like you. Thank God that our paths have crossed. May you and yours live in love and unity! = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Want to reprint this article? No problem! Just make sure you include a complete attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to our website. Please notify Winnis where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Winnis Chiang, MA, MFT, Founder and Director of Parenting ABC, is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She specializes in helping Mandarin- and Cantonese-speaking parents to get along with, enjoy, and influence their American Born Chinese children. Reach her at ParentingABC.com.

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