Michael Chang Youth Rally and Communication with Teens

Recently I heard a very sad news. A young man, around 30 years of age, passed away due to illness. Not too long ago, he received his Ph.D. and had job offers. As you could imagine, his parents are devastated. Please pray for them.

Tickets for Michael Chang “No Option” Youth Rally

Have you heard that World Tennis Champion Michael Chang is having heart to heart sharing this weekend in the Bay Area?

• Date: May 7th and 8th (Friday and Saturday)
• Time: 7 p.m.
• Venue: Spangenberg Theatre of Gunn High School
• Address: 780 Arastradero Road, Palo Alto, CA 94306
• Music by CPC High School Band
• Free admission and autograph with ticket. Call SOBEM at (888) 808-7868 for tickets and details. Raffle drawing each night for the first 100 attendees!

I have 20 tickets to distribute for each evening. If your youths (and parent or counselor) want to go, e-mail me before 3:00 p.m. on Thursday (5/6/10) to arrange for ticket pickup at Gunn H.S. on the day of the event(s). Hurry before tickets run out.

Listen to Children and Teenagers so that They Will Talk

The Bible says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Mignon McLaughlin, journalist once said, "We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that." When our minds are distracted (e.g. "hey, what is there for lunch?") or we are preparing for a comeback (e.g. "no no no, you get it wrong!"), we are at best half listening. Even worse, we interrupt someone in mid sentence. In frustration, they interrupt us back hoping their points can be understood. And the vicious cycle continues.

When not listened to by their parents, children gradually lose their desires to talk. Some of them get angry and yell back in power struggles; others hold everything inside and become more and more depressed, withdrawn and isolated. Either ways, they have given up talking with parents. Communication channels are broken.

Last Saturday, at the memorial service of Rev. Moses Yu, his youngest daughter shared that as she was growing up, she could go places with people and have fun. But one day, she gathered her courage and told her father, “Dad, every Sunday after church, I’m sent to different activities with people. But you never take me. I don’t think you love me!”

The following week, to her surprise, her dad picked her up after church, “Today, we will go wherever you want to go.” He spent the rest of the day with her and later explained, “I love you and I love God. Although I could not spend time with you, I still love you.”

Decades later, she was still happy that he listened, understood, and accepted what she shared without getting mad at her.

Mom and Dad, Please Listen to Me!

Many parent-child relationships will improve when parents start listening to the thoughts, feelings, needs and dreams of their child. The “Family Keepers” magazine recently published my article on the subject from a teenager’s perspective. Please read the Chinese version at http://winnischiang.blogspot.com/2010/04/blog-post_4805.html and if you feel comfortable, invite your teenager to comment on the English version below.

Hey Mom and Dad,

I hate to admit, but you may call me a person with “a fierce demeanor but faint of heart.” Sure, I’d like to be cool, but I do care about you! As a teenager whose parents are going through midlife crisis, I have a lot to learn, but so do you!

1. Please remember this period of my “rebellion” is my time of searching for identity. I am learning to express my feelings and thoughts, not trying to sing a different tune. Don’t forget that I have to live independently and face the world by myself in a few years.

2. Whether you intend to encourage or discipline me, please be patient and treat me with kindness. I don’t need you to stay with me all the time, but I still hope that you would spend more time to understand me.

3. Trust me! By doing so, you empower me with love because I need your compassion, acceptance, respect and empathy. I need to know that as I grow, you are more at ease with me and are willing to let go.

4. Please don’t be angry with me for too long and don’t limit my freedom too much. You have your jobs, your hobbies, and your friends, but you are the only dad (or mom) I have.

5. Please talk with me without lecturing me, and listen to me with full attention. Even when we don’t understand each other, I will still feel your willingness to spend time to understand me, accept me, honestly address my doubts, and talk about sensitive subjects with me.

6. I will forever remember how you treat me and pray for me.

7. Before you curse or even hit me, please remember that I have enough strength to revenge even though I may choose not to.

8. Before you scold me and call me disobedient, uncooperative, stubborn, or lazy, please try to figure out whether something else is bothering me. I could be all stressed out due to peer pressure! May be I am not receiving the affirmation, acceptance, encouragement and care I need. I could be too tired, haven’t taken any break for quite some time due to homework and extra curriculum activities. My heart could have grown stiff because of growing pains and fears. Of course, sometimes I don’t know how to express myself or am affected by hormonal change.

9. Instead of rejecting me when I make mistakes, please understand, accept, and support me. Haven’t you experienced failures too? Please don’t deny your mistakes and failures. Your integrity and courage to change are my best examples.

10. As I am struggling through this difficult process of becoming an adult, I have to face setbacks and defeats. Your love for me will make it easier for me to face these teenage storms. Don’t ever forget that I love you, and that you have promised to love me all your life.

Using this article as a conversation starter, share how you feel and what you think about “communication” with each other. Remember to listen to your teenager with interest and curiosity so that they feel understood and accepted! Share your experience and feedback with me. Thanks!

Hope to see you at the Youth Rally this weekend. May the Lord help you to communicate with your children and teenagers more effectively!

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Want to reprint this article? No problem! Just make sure you include a complete attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to our website. Please notify Winnis where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information:

Winnis Chiang, MA, MFT, Founder and Director of Parenting ABC, is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Fluent in Cantonese, Mandarin and English, she specializes in helping couples and parents of American Born Chinese. To find out more about her programs and services, visit www.parentingabc.com or call 925-806-8600.