What Are Your Children Made Of?

What do Joshua Childers, Chesley Sullenberger, Richard Phillips, Michael Phelps, Bernard Madoff, Judy Trunnell, James Tayler III, Marvin Renslow, and Rebecca Shaw have in common?

These are people who were in the news! We found out who they are (or were) as human beings as their stories were unfolded.

[1] The Tales of Two Flights

In January, Captain Chesley Sullenberger landed US Airways Flight 1549 on the Hudson River, saving the lives of 155 people. "Sully" was the last person who got off the plane.

A month later, Flight 3407 of Continental Airlines commuter plane crashed into a suburban Buffalo, N.Y. home, killing all 49 people on board and a man in the house. The plane was on autopilot in icy weather condition.

Last week, the National Transportation Safety Board had a 3-day hearing that revealed: pilots incompetence and inexperience, sickness and fatigue, and panicky reactions at the last seconds. In direct violation of the regulations, Captain Renslow (47) and co-pilot Rebecca Shaw (24) were chitchatting in the cockpit!

As I compare and contrast the circumstances of the two flights, the issues of competence and character came to mind.

[2] How Do You Spell Success?

Parents want their babies to be happy and healthy. Somehow expectations started piling up along the way. Well intention or not, children and teenagers sometimes interpret things differently.

"My parents DON’T CARE about me!" "They just want me to be at the top so that they can show me off as their trophies!"

Who doesn't want success for their children? But how do you define success? Consider the mother of Bernard Madoff (if she's still around), how did she feel when her son was rich and famous? How does she feel now when he is in jail for bilking investors out of billions?

At the BASS convention on March 5, 2009, keynote speaker Dr. Henry Cloud asserted, "Successful people are real fruitful people" and recommended young people to:
(A) "Be good/competent on something. Go study. Be good at it."
(B) "Build alliances with other people. Make things work together with people."
(C) "Have the character to not screw up!"

[3] Character as Our Being and Entire Make Up

"While millions can achieve competence and build alliances, the key to lasting success is character. Why? Because 99% of the time problems are caused by personal issues."

His words reminded me of the family-of-origin on my father's side.

My grandparents had ten children. Grandfather built himself a business empire. He was too busy at work and his wife (my grandmother) spoiled their children. She boasted, "We have so much (money). Our kids will never have to worry about their living, even if their legs were broken" when her children were young. Out of her ten children, grandmother kept the youngest five living with her after they got married, even after they had children. Grandmother controlled everything. After I was born as a second daughter, my grandmother prompted my dad to "look elsewhere to have a son!"

Dr. Henry Cloud defined character as the entirety of a person's make up. Character is the being of a person. Having character means someone has the ability to:

(1) Create and maintain trust,
(2) Be oriented towards the truth,
(3) Be oriented towards results of fruitfulness,
(4) Let go of things,
(5) Embrace negative reality,
(6) Be oriented towards increase.

Take a moment and reflect on people you know, like and trust. Do they have character traits you admire? Which of the above qualities stand out and define their beings?

[4] From Generation to Generation

My mother-in-law Lily has become my role model. She has four children, ten grandchildren and one great-granddaughter. We call her, "Ma Ma", "Nai Nai" or "Pao Pao," and we enjoy her presence as much as she enjoys ours.

Lily genuinely cares about her family and friends. She is not perfect but she lives a life of no regret. She was an only child and her father and grandfather died young. Amazingly, her widowed mother and grandmother encouraged her to leave home to join her fiance after his college graduation. As an electrical engineer, Thomas found a job in Taiwan and planned to work there for a year or two. They ended up staying in Taiwan until they immigrated to the United States in 1968.

It was not an easy decision. They applied for immigration under the professional preference when they were newly weds. Now twenty years and four kids later, should they pull up their roots and start all over? For the future of their children, Thomas and Lily arrived in Los Angeles with no jobs, very little English and six mouths to feed.

Unable to find jobs in their engineering and teaching profession, Thomas tried everything. When disappointment turned into despair, it was Lily who kept him going. Not giving up hope, Lily reassured Thomas that they did not make a mistake. She prayed to the Heavenly Father she knew in her catholic faith. Miraculously, Thomas was offered an engineering designer job in San Francisco in 1969 doing what he already knew!

Their children contributed to the family doing part-time jobs and household chores. They studied without parental help and all graduated from Lowell H.S. and U.C. Berkeley. When their children got married one by one, Lily and Thomas welcomed their spouses (from Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan and Vietnam) into the Chiang family. When grandchildren came along, they helped whenever necessary, yet always gave space appropriately.

After Thomas' sudden stroke and passing in September 2000. Lily had a tough time adjusting to life without her life partner. James spent time with her every week. Eventually she was willing to go to a protestant church instead of the Catholic cathedral where she attended mass.

Lily has become a devoted follower of Jesus Christ. She reads the Bible and prays everyday. She goes to church to worship, attend fellowship, and teach Chinese brush painting. She continues to love and help people.

[5] Tribute to a Great Grandmother

Two years ago we celebrated Lily's birthday in a SF restaurant with extended families. Our son Scott and his fiancee Beth also attended.

After dinner, a cake was brought out. We sang. Lily made a wish and blew the candle.

Scott asked in Mandarin, "Nai Nai, so what is your birthday wish?"

"My wish?" With a mischievous smile on her face, Nai Nai made arm and hand motion of holding and rocking a baby. The rest of us burst into laughter.

I turned to Beth (who would marry Scott later that summer), "No pressure."

But someone else asked, "When?" simultaneously.

Beth blushed and said calmly, "After we get married."

I said in English, "So, Grandma wants to be a Great-Grandmother!" Nai Nai nodded.

Scott said, "But Nai Nai, You are already a GREAT grandmother!"

[6] Great in the Eyes of the Beholder

Scott and Beth were married in August 2007 and became parents in September 2008. I love my granddaughter so much that I openly declared her as "the cutest baby in the world!" You may disagree with me but I am not ashamed.

On Sunday, May 10th 2009, we went to San Francisco to celebrate Mother's Day. James' sister invited both sides of her family to join her husband and their youngest child to dinner. We were at the restaurant when Scott called, "We've just found parking."

That was Beth's first Mother's Day with us. I bought roses for the mommy of my cutest granddaughter. When Beth and baby walked in, all eyes were on them. Scott followed, pushing a stroller. Everyone exclaimed "Happy Mother's Day!"

Scott handed me a bunch of roses and a hand-made card. "Dear Mom, Thank you for being a great role model and a loving supporter and a friendly counselor to me. You are not only a great mom, but also a great grandmother! Love, Scott."

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You can use the articles from [Parenting ABC] as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to our website. Please notify Winnis where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information:

Winnis Chiang, MA, MFT, Founder and Director of Parenting ABC, is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Fluent in Cantonese, Mandarin and English, she specializes in helping couples and parents of American Born Chinese. To find out more about her programs and services, visit www.parentingabc.com or call 925-806-8600.