Face Your Fear with Love and Trust

How's your summer? Mine has been very exciting. Among other things, James and I lived in Cologne, Germany for almost three weeks among Chinese college and graduate students and young working families. We were there to pastor a church while their pastor and his family were away on a mini-sabbatical.

Before we went to Cologne on July 26, we already stayed with Pastor Ho and his family for a few days in June (right after our last Discipleship Training conference) to get familiar with the people and the environment.

Even with the transition preparation, I worried about whether we should stay at their place or live closer to town, and whether we should rent a car or take public transportation. My biggest fears were getting lost and not speaking German. I felt understood and accepted when I shared my concerns in prayer requests. Praise the Lord that many people provided support and practical help.

As we approach the tenth anniversary of September 11, I want to share my experience and thoughts on facing fears. I wrote in my newsletter (September 2008 edition) about my anxiety and panic when James and I sent our only son to college four days after the 9-11 attacks. I learned that if I dwelled on the unknowns, I would waste a lot of energy "scaring" myself to death. I was overwhelmed ten years ago, but now I can look back and rejoice that our son has graduated from college and then seminary, gotten married, and is now the father of two kids!

Fear feels so real. It paralyzes people although probably more than ninety percent of what we worry about never happens. Now of course things could happen even when we don't worry about them. Such are the recent cases of earthquake and hurricane devastating the East Coast.

Fear might not always be rational. I remember an engineer in my department who refused to fly because he was afraid of plane crashes. Compounded fears and worries could cause more fears and aggravate stress. Sometimes it is the unhealthy reactions to our stress that further intensify our stress, like a lady who was so afraid of getting sick that she got sick after hearing others sneeze.

Although most parents look forward to resuming structured daily routines after the summer, others are wondering what lies ahead. While many students may be excited about returning to school, others may feel nervous, anxious, and even afraid of entering a new grade, especially at a new school.

Away from home for the first time can be very scary for little kids. Elementary students wonder whether they will like their new teacher, and vice versa. Preteens worry about not accepted by peers nor fitting in at a middle (or junior high) school that requires traveling from classroom to classroom. High school students are anxious with issues concerning peer acceptance, performance, time, and identity.

Even if they do not seem nervous, talk with your children about going back to school. Listen to and validate their feelings. Being emotionally and mentally prepared for new place and routine will alleviate nervousness and anxiety.

James and I traveled a lot in the past two years although we seldom stayed in one place for more than a week. Needless to say, things worked out during our three weeks in Cologne. Three brothers picked us up on July 27 when we got off the Intercity Express train from Frankfurt to Cologne. A sister and her husband let us stay at their apartment in a convenient location. Imagine our sense of accomplishment when we went grocery shopping or rode the various
subways and trains on our own.

We interacted with young people every day. James preached three Sundays in a row in the worship service, and we presented workshops on caring, dating and marriage on Fridays in Cologne and on Saturdays in Bonn. We had various Bible studies, prayer meetings and pastoral counseling in Cologne, Bonn, and through Skype. We are very grateful that we have a home away from home. We even had one Bible study meeting for sisters and their young kids at our place!

There were many pleasant surprises. We took public transportation everywhere so there were healthy doses of walking and being outdoors. We enjoyed walking around town and the central stations. One afternoon, two sisters took us to tour the Bruhl Palaces. One Saturday, after presenting a workshop in Bonn (which used to be the capital of West Germany), we walked in the downtown area and saw the house where Beethoven was born! In both cities, we were able to walk along the River Rhine. One highlight of our stay was seeing the Cologne Cathedral (German: Kölner Dom) in the summer. This is one of the most famous cathedrals in Europe. We had walked by the Cathedral when we were in Cologne for Discipleship Training conferences in Christmas 2007, 2009 and 2010, but this time we saw it without snow!

Not only could we spend time with brothers and sisters in Cologne and Bonn, we were able to attend a wedding on July 30. The bride is a student in Amsterdam. The groom works in Germany. How did they meet? During one of the Discipleship Training conferences. The wedding took place in Stuttgart and was attended by many students from previous DTCs.

I will never forget brothers and sisters who share their lives with us in Germany. On August 15, six people and one dog sent us to the central train station. I am grateful for the love and faithfulness of our Lord who has made it possible for James and I to serve together.

Are you scared of trying new things or going to new places? Are you stressing yourself out because of fears? Try answering these questions from "The Complete Stress Management Workbook - Your personal Step by Step Program for Handling Stress in Your Life", by Drs. Thomas Whiteman and Sam Verghese.

1. Is my stress being aggravated by my anxiety or fears about what might happen?
2. What specifically am I afraid of?
3. What are the chances that the scenario I fear will actually happen?
4. Even if this scenario does take place, how bad will that be? What will I do?
5. Has God ever protected me from harm in the past? When? How?
6. Has God helped me to endure difficult situations in the past? When? How?
7. Can I count on God to protect me from the situation I fear? Or will He help me to endure this situation?
8. How will my trust in God affect my attitude--especially about the stress I face?
9. What will I do in my stress situations to show that I trust God?

If you send your brief or detailed reflection to winnis@parentingabc.com by the end of Wednesday, September 7, 2011, you name will be entered into a drawing to win a F*R*E*E* 50-minute face-to-face consultation in my Fremont or Los Altos office. Your identity and information will be kept confidential.

"There is no fear in love." (1 John 4:18a) Our assumption affects our interpretation of every situation. Are you willing to put aside your preconceived notion and trust God? Do you believe He loves you unconditionally and wants the best for you?

A new school year is time for parents to release their children one more step. Help them face changes, take responsibility, and learn new skills. By the time they enter college, you will still miss them but you will find comfort knowing that you have tried your best to be a "Good Enough" parent by preparing and releasing your child, one step at a time, for this day!

For Chinese articles and English newsletter archive, please go to:
http://winnischiang.blogspot.com
http://parentingabcnewsletterinenglish.blogspot.com

Please write me a short paragraph or two to enter the drawing. Whatever is going on in your life, remember the words of Jesus, "Don't be afriad, just believe!"

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Winnis Chiang, MA, MFT, Founder and Director of Parenting ABC, is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She specializes in helping Mandarin- and Cantonese-speaking parents to get along with, enjoy, and influence their American Born Chinese children. Reach her at ParentingABC.com.